Lonely Hearts Club
by Skydark
Summary: I participated in the Sweet Charity Fandom Auction. The person who bid for me requested a Scar/Ed fic with the following prompts: Fluff, HS AU. So here is my first attempt at two milestones I never thought I'd write. Scar/Ed and HS AU
1. Chapter 1

The last bell of the day was waning in the hallways as Alphonse Elric made his way toward the social studies department of Arwakawa Academy for the Advanced. He walked quickly, but had already mastered the exact time it took him to get from his last class of the day, _(Violin)_ back to the offices of the social studies department and in particular the offices of the world religions teacher, Mr. Scar. He turned the corner and slowed his pace appropriately because he didn't want it to seem like he were rushing to see him, _(even though world religion was one of his favorite classes, and Mr. Scar his favorite teacher)_ he was teased enough by some of the others in class for being a 'teacher's pet'. He bristled a little; just because he was interested in the source material and thought Mr. Scar a highly competent teacher was no reason to try and make him feel belittled. He'd though, once he and his elder brother, Edward, had been awarded scholarships to this very prestigious high school that this sort of mockery would be behind him.

He tried to console himself by thinking of who truly belonged here and who was here because of daddy's bank roll when he came up to the door of Mr. Scar's office. While Alphonse certainly respected Mr. Scar's vision and knowledge in class, it was not an unknown fact that his elder brother, Edward, and Mr. Scar didn't exactly see eye to eye. It was based on this very adversary he'd decided to seek out Mr. Scar's advice on a more...delicate matter. It had all started when Edward, once again, decided Al's love life was not only very much his business, but his personal crusade. Al had met a girl named Kitty; well to be more precise, it was actually Katherine. Kitty, like Alphonse, was attending the academy on an academic scholarship; Kitty was going to be a kick-ass engineer; and failing that? One hell of an alternative clothing lifestyle designer. It was true. The very first time Alphonse had met her she was wearing duct tape. Duct tape all wrapped around her body in the form of a dress, while still really being duct tape. She was so cool Al thought he would die. And despite her obvious coolness? Ed was not impressed. In fact Ed used words like 'trashy' and 'reckless' and he even used 'home wrecker' and before Al could asked what qualified as a home wrecker Ed had made the brash and imposing statement that Al could not date this girl. He didn't say he wished Al _wouldn't_ date this girl, he flat out told Al that he couldn't.

Now Alphonse was a junior, and Ed, only one year older, was a senior. After this statement, well, the argument got a little heated. It was made known to half the students in attendance that not only could Edward _not_ impose such standards upon him, that the very last time he checked, not only could Ed _not_ give birth to anyone, he most definitely was _not_ Al's _mother_. Ed had reacted in his usual offended and/or wounded way, thinking that Al should not be bringing their mother into this, rest her soul. Ed as usual failed to see the point. Being they were said wards of the state, _(mother deceased, father who only knew where)_ there weren't many adults in Alphonse's life that he could turn to in such matters of crisis, _(and that crisis, of course, was his love life)_. Mr. Scar was an adult that Alphonse has taken to readily. He was not what could be deemed the friendly sort, but he was honest and straight to the point and had an earnest to his actions that made Alphonse trust him more than almost anyone else he knew. Surely Mr. Scar, who always said that they could come to him with _anything_ would at least be able to discuss with candor and reason just what Al should do about his overbearing and meddling sibling. It wasn't that Al didn't appreciate Ed's dedication, he most certainly did. Ed was the pillar he looked to during all his dark times and Ed still stood head and shoulders above all others in his eyes despite his physical stature, _(which was short, whether Ed liked it or not)_. Mr. Scar, with his forthright knowledge into the human soul would devise a plan so comprehensive that Ed would succumb to the pure logic and come to realize Al could date whoever he damn well pleased.

Barring that, a good knock to the head with a sturdy book might do the trick.

He stopped just outside the door of Mr. Scar's office and adjusted his backpack and swung his violin case into his other hand so he could have his right hand free to knock. He waited until a couple of girls, casting speculative glances in his direction and whispering amongst themselves, to pass before he actually applied knuckles to wood and then paused to wait for the sounded invitation.

"Come in," said a deep voice on just the other side, and Al turned the knob as quietly as he could and opened the door just enough to slip himself inside and then closed the door behind him. He then clasped the handle of his violin case in both hands and stood waiting for further acknowledgment with his backpack pressed back to the door.

"Alphonse," Mr. Scar said from his desk not three feet way and Al felt a little thrill to be greeted with such casual acceptance. "What is on your mind today?" Mr. Scar continued, gesturing at the wooden chair in front of his own desk. Al gave a hesitant smile and slipped over silently, perched on the edge of the chair seat and sat his violin case on the floor. Mr. Scar had on his reading glasses, not his usual dark classes he had when he was teaching class. There was much speculation about Mr. Scar and his dark glasses, some of it good, some of it plausible, some of it bad and some of it fantasy. Al himself took the standpoint that perhaps Mr. Scar had a sensitivity to light that required him to wear such intimidating eye apparel, but he'd never found the courage to ask and this of course was not why he'd come here in the first place. He pressed his lips and smiled politely and took a deep breath. What was the best opening to use when asking one's favorite teacher to help one tell his brother to mind his own business?

"Mr. Scar," Alphonse said cheerfully, "I wanted to stop by to day for a couple of things. First off I want to tell you just how much I'm enjoying your segment on Hindu philosophy, especially about the monotheistic schools. While I'm here maybe you could suggest some extra reading materials and also? I need you to help me with my brother. I understand that second statement is out of the blue, but really, I have devised this brilliant plan you see and I'd really like your input and most preferably like your participation. I know this is awfully sudden, and despite my brother's know adversarial attitude toward your class I wanted you to know that I don't think you should take it personally. See, Edward took all the classes he wanted to take early on and now he's having to suffer through the classes he kept putting off in order to get the credits needed to graduate. As you can tell, I'm sure, this makes him very grumpy."

"Grumpy," Mr. Scar repeated but Al plunged on.

"My brother and I are wards of the state at the moment pending the location of our father," Al said, "I'm not saying this to garner any sympathy for myself or my brother's rude behavior but only to enlighten the fact that I myself have very little in the way of authority figures to turn to in these emotional and turbulent teenage times. I have read up on hormones and I have not only experienced them but seen them in action myself. Therefore I'm confronted with this baffling mystery as to why my brother, Edward, seems to be afflicted with some sort of a immunity to them. I have consulted a number of anatomical text and can find no true physical description to describe it and of course I drive myself crazy with any sort of psychology books; because who am I to truly judge the inner workings of the human mind? That is where you come in," Al leaned forward intently, palms pressed to the seat of the chair he was sitting in as not to be to forward by having them directly on Mr. Scar's desk. "You are a man who teaches courses on faith. I believe my brother has over the course of the events of our earlier life, had his faith shaken to the point he no longer registers his own basic needs, and instead, in order to avoid his own inner turmoil he focuses on _me. _Like a form of disconnect, only not as clinically precise as a psychology book would have it explained. In other words, my brother would much rather supervise my own dating affairs rather than have his own. As you can imagine this is very annoying. So here is what I have devised; Edward looks to you as some for of...," Al lifted his hand and made a rolling motion, "opponent to be bested for lack of a better term. Therefore, all of my needling that he should find himself his own date goes unheeded, but where he to hear this from _you,_ he might take more notice. I mean, he seems to think you're the standard to exceed, so if _you_ were to put forth the suggestion, in a slightly condescending way, that Edward were falling behind par because he _wasn't_ dating...that might get him to go out and date. What do you think?"

Mr. Scar looked grim and sincere, like he always did. He was rubbing the corner of a sheet of paper that was on his desk between his forefinger and his thumbs. He seem to give a little start when Al finished his summation and asked his question, but instead of speaking he let his silence signal his intent and philanthropic pondering of Al's proposal. Al squirmed in his chair, pleased that he had managed to impress Mr. Scar with the very first draft of his 'get Ed off my back' argument. He kept looking at Mr. Scar expectantly.

Mr. Scar lowered his eyes briefly, seemed to clear his throat then looked back up at Alphonse.

"For your first question," Mr. Scar started off slowly, "I highly recommend the Evangelical Dictionary of Theology. It's a fairly common text and should be available at any range of bookstores."

Al held up his finger for Mr. Scar to pause as he unslung his backpack and quickly pulled from it's front pocket a small, latched closed leather notebook. He carefully opened it, withdrew a pen from the same pocket and made a quick note. Then he closed the book and laid it on Mr. Scar's desk, tucked his pen behind his ear and folded his hands on top of his notebook and gave Mr. Scar his rapt attention.

Mr. Scar reached up to take his reading glasses from his face. He laid them on the desk before him, opening his top desk drawer and pulling out a neatly folded handkerchief. Then he picked up his glasses and using the handkerchief he began to clean them. Al kept leaning forward over his folded hands and Mr. Scar never changed expression, just slowly cleaned each lens of his reading glasses.

"As for your second question," Mr. Scar started in his methodical way, "I do appreciate your thought and logic in presentation. I've always thought you would make an excellent orator. I also appreciate the fact that you see me as a competent authority figure and have put enough trust in me to come to me with what must be a frustrating and personal problem; however, I'm not sure I'm the person with whom you should be conspiring in such a plot. First I am a teacher and a role model, and I should not be given to the baser urges such as goading a student, whether it is for his own good or not. Second, I am not sure what makes you think I might have some particular insight into the social interactions of the average teenager. While I do have a method for training the mind, it is put in practice for the dispensing of knowledge in such a fashion as to pass on concepts and open minded curiosity for the subject which I teach. It would therefore more beneficial for you to approach a fellow student who might have more of a feel for the situation; being the same age and hormonal state after all, and someone with whom you share a more intimate friendship bond. It should not be hard to find someone who sufficiently antagonizes Edward, such as you believe I do, because Edward is easily antagonized. What about your friend Ling Yao? Edward seems to have some form of competitive issues with him."

"You make such excellent counter narratives," Al sighed. "But I can say I took all factors into account before presenting you with this idea. As much as Ling does antagonize my brother and enjoys doing so, their arguments are usually ended by a good sparring match until neither of them can move. Despite outward appearances I think my brother does have a somewhat, incomprehensible to the rest of us, friendship with him. I don't think it would work. Ling suggesting that Ed date would just end up in the Ling and Ed dating death match or something. Then I'd have to carry Ed home on my back again. Not my favorite thing to do."

"It's an interesting conundrum," Mr. Scar said carefully, "but still not something I see as suited to myself. Edward could just be socially awkward enough to be a late bloomer. If I could make a few suggestions...," but Mr. Scar was interrupted by a loud rap on his outer office door, then the door swung inwards and someone poked their head and shoulders through.

"Al, here you are, not like I'm surprised or anything, come on, we gotta go," Ed half yelled, jostling his own backpack on his shoulder. "I got things to do and if I leave you here you'll end up hanging out with... people." And with that he finally acknowledged Mr. Scar with a little bob of his head.

Al turned to look back at his brother, sputtering at his severe lack of manners then whipped around quickly to apologize for him.

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Scar," Al rushed, gathering up his things. "My brother doesn't mean to be intentionally rude, see we've only had each other since our mother died and I think he gets separation anxiety if I'm away to long," Al stuffed his notebook and pen back in the front pocket and tugged at the zipper, which of course in his rush got stuck. He sat there tugging it pathetically looking between his now glowering sibling and his stoic, unshakable worlds history teacher.

"I don't have any anxiety, you just like to run around with questionable girls," Ed half snarled, "come on, get a move on, I'm sure Mr. Scar, _(forced between gritted teeth)_ has got stuff he's got to do, too. Let's go."

Al looked up at Mr. Scar with resignation and finally got his zipper unstuck. He stood and nodded to Mr. Scar, giving him a half smile and turned toward his brother.

"I don't see where you might be an authority on the young ladies in this academy, Edward. It's sort of common knowledge in the teacher's lounge you've yet to be seen with one," said the man sitting at the desk behind Al. Al's eyes flew open wide and he struggled to keep the grin off his face.

Ed, naturally bristled as his mortal enemy called him out. He hesitated there in the doorway before pushing his way into the room and jutting his jaw forward.

"That's because it isn't any of your business. Maybe I keep my stuff of academy grounds," Ed challenged.

"As my student it _is_ my business, Edward. Do you think being your teacher discharges me of the duty of overseeing you in every aspect of education the moment you set foot beyond my classroom? I would have to differ with that opinion. When one becomes a teacher than one should be aware of all aspects of a pupils life and in this awareness they should be ready to lead beyond teaching the subject. It's a simple fact I have recently been reminded of," Mr. Scar said, giving Al's back a significant look, "and I don't want to seem derelict in my duties. So you're overcommitment to your brother is leaving you little time for yourself, I think you should remedy that."

Ed did an impressive double take and then gathered himself up for a flail. Al winced a little, because a flail including yelling and Ed really shouldn't be yelling at yet another teacher. He certainly hoped that Mr. Scar would carry the charade through long enough for the message to have some impact.

"Oh yeah?" Ed said, winding up, "Well what makes you such an expert on me and my brother?! What did you tell him Al? Huh? What do you do, come in here and use this as a confessional? He's a worlds religions teacher not a priest and besides what can a priest tell you I can't?! It's about that girl, isn't it? You came in here and slobbered about how I don't like that girl and now you gotta tell him all this personal and embarrassing crap and you know what?! I can get a date if I wanted! I can! I've turned down a lot of dates! Ask Al! I got higher standards and Al should have higher standards, but he's a hormonal wreck and someone has to watch him since we ain't got nobody but ourselves to watch each other but he thinks I'm being a jerk and I'm not, I'm only trying to make sure he doesn't get taken advantage of because he's just a kid! Girls in duct tape are bad news, you tell him that," and Ed leveled a finger at Mr. Scar. "I see he comes here and whines to you so you tell him that girls in duct tape only lead to trouble and possible hairs caught in duct tape! Tell him that! He won't take that from me! And you know what?! I can date anyone I wanted to I just ain't got time because he is out there making all these bad dating choices and you know what? I ain't seen you with any girls either and I know you ain't married so you know, you shouldn't be casting any aspersions at me because you can't teach what you don't know! How about that? Huh? Huh?"

Mr. Scar neither moved or flinched the entire time Ed sucked up all the room's oxygen. The grim reality here was that Ed was being much more insightful than was usual. It was unlike Ed to be so clever while windmilling about a room and making his displeasure known at the top of his lungs. Al glanced nervously at Mr. Scar to see what his reaction might be; however the man was so fatalistically unreadable he really had no clue. Mr. Scar put his reading glasses back on at just that moment, then he clasped his hands together and laid them on the desk before him. Ed was panting, his backpack slipped down his arm and landed with a dull thud on the floor next to him.

"I am not above such lessons, Edward. I know that life is an ever changing learning experience and to be a whole in life you must grasp all the things that life has to show you. That being said you are correct, I should not endeavor to teach what I myself have not been taught," Mr. Scar paused and Al turned to look at him, wondering what he had in mind. Was he backing out? Surely he wasn't going to let Ed best him this way. Ed would be absolutely insufferable afterwards and if Al thought of his life as an brother overshadowed imprisonment now, what would it be like then? No, Mr. Scar would not do this to him, he would not leave him to the clutches of an oh so smug elder brother.

"Yeah, see," Ed said, getting his breath back. "I got it all covered, so it's fine. I may not have a track record but I got what counts," and Ed tapped his temple. "So come on Al, you've bothered him enough, let's go home."

"Not quite so fast," Mr. Scar said, and Al's heart started to beat again. "Here is what I propose; you and I should take it upon ourselves to see what it is Al sees in such activities and as such you and I together should find a date."

Ed did another double take, but this time there was no accompanying rush of indignation, instead there was dumbfounded staring. Ed made a few false starts at speaking and when he finally did he said: "Are you serious?"

Well that was a misnomer if ever there was one, because Al knew that Mr. Scar was _always_ serious. If Mr. Scar was anything, he was a bluntly honest and serious teacher. If Ed hadn't picked that up by now, being in his class and all, maybe Ed really was socially awkward if he couldn't pick up on that fact.

"Ed," Al said, " you should listen to Mr. Scar. He is rising to your challenge and making a rational offer to not only benefit himself but you as well. He's taking his role as teacher seriously by offering you a chance to teach him. You said you got what counts," and Al tapped his own temple, "so Mr. Scar is willing to bank on your supposed knowledge. You can't back down from that, brother, you threw the gauntlet yourself."

Ed kept looking back and forth between them and the look on his face reminded Al of those horror movies when the victim finally realized the time for the monster to eat him had come. But Al also knew _Ed._ He knew Ed in ever nuance and detail of Ed's existence, because what made them work as brothers was the fact they did share a very familial bond, right down to the very roots of their hair. Ed would also take this seriously, while making it seem that he thought of this as some huge put-upon or joke. Ed didn't back down from challenges.

"O..okay, fine," Ed half mumbled. "You're on, and whoever gets a date first gets to prove to Al they know what they are talking about, deal?"

"I think Alphonse is capable of making his own fair and impartial judgments, however, I would see the outcome of this as a proving point that Alphonse has somewhere to turn for sound advice," Mr. Scar looked at Al then and Al felt warm and pleased that his plan was working so beautifully. There was no way Ed could really win this because there really wouldn't be any winning. So therefore, Al could take Ed's advice into account and still make his own decisions. Mr. Scar was a master strategist and Al would have to compose just the perfect thank you note when he got home.

"Well, until the outcome of whatever this is," Ed pressed on, "would you please tell him girls in duct tape have questionable morals, I'm sure you can see your way to that conclusion. Besides, like I said, duct tape pulls out hair and he hasn't got much down there to begin with."

"ED," Al shrieked in mortified embarrassment.

"What?" Ed said, "You don't like fair play? You don't think this embarrassing enough?"

"Appearances are rarely factual indicators, Edward," Mr. Scar said, "so until we have reached a conclusion I believe Alphonse should continue to carry out his social interactions as he sees fit."

"Thank you, Mr. Scar," Al said, a lovely shade of crimson, "we've taken up enough of your time, come on Ed, let's go home." And Al pushed around the chair and pushed around his brother and stormed out into the hallway. Ed watched him go, then he slowly turned his head to regard Mr. Scar, still sitting there behind his desk as if this whole, ludicrous episode had never occurred. Mr. Scar looked as detached as always. Who was he fooling here? Was this some show for Al so he could stay on Al's favorite teachers list?

"You're going down," Ed said pointing at him, then he let his finger drop toward the floor and he snatched up his backpack and grinned widely, turning toward the door, "I mean after all, who can resist me?" And he sauntered out into the hallway where his younger brother snorted at him in anger and he made some half mumbled apology.

It was then, and only then when they were so far down the hall that their voices could not be heard that Mr. Scar allowed him self one, and only one, twitch of his left eyebrow. He had yet to meet a teenage boy who did not idolize him as the ideal of male fortitude or find him so intimidating as to be an exemplary student in his class. Until he'd met Edward Elric, and until he has met Edward Elric he had to admit he'd not felt very challenged in his authority of mind and soul.

But just because the boy's perseverance and courage made an impression; it did not mean that Mr. Scar meant to take this challenge lightly.

No, it did not mean that at all.

tbc


	2. Chapter 2

Like any new endeavor, research was required.

Edward Elric considered himself a first class researcher. You would be hard pressed to catch him lacking on a subject which he'd been assigned. He was a veritable walking sponge when it came to fact finding and his powers of retention were off the charts. So why in his vast and eclectic knowledge had he never once read any sort of text on well...attracting the opposite sex? The obvious answer to this was _it wasn't assigned, _and therefore that made it a waste of good research time. Who knew he would be called upon to draw on the one subject in which he completely and utterly lacked. He figured he could scour the library, surely someone had written something intending to be a guide on how to make a girl want to be with you instead of laugh at you when you suggested such a thing. He tapped his pen on his desktop; sure there should be a least one. What category would you file a book of such, well not dubious content, and if not dubious then what? Suspect? No, biological. This would be the infamous biological urges that was often whispered about in the boy's locker room.

That was it, in all his reading on the structure of the human structure he'd failed to really study the hormones. So he'd decided to try some controlled experiments with Al as his lab assistant. Al was less than thrilled but grudgingly agreed since this whole fiasco was more or less his fault in the first place he should make some effort to help his brother at least try to date. There were a few words about just who's side Al was on, but when Al acquiesced to being the bait, Ed subsided. Al was cute and perky and girls tended to gather around him. All he had to do was stand there and smile cheerfully and sure enough a classmate of the opposite sex inevitably stopped to talk to him. Not so with Ed. In fact, Ed had to sorta put Al out there and then spring the trap. He would slide causally over to Al's side while the girl was talking to Al, make a few noncommittal grunts about whatever it was she was talking about, _(and he really didn't bother listening because most girls were just boring)_ but it always turned out with the girl wrinkling her nose at him, making a polite excuse to Al and then leaving. What the hell? What did he have to do to get a girl to stick around for more than three minutes? How was he going to ask one out? Well there was speed dating, he could always claim speed dating. Al said that was a cheat and would not consider that a win. Dammit.

So he was stuck and desperate because the library was just not very forthcoming with the sure-fire dating methods books. As he despaired aimlessly by wandering around near the cafeteria he noticed a flyer that had been stuck to the school bulletin board. It was the type of flyer he'd usually dismiss at first glance. It was on pastel pink paper, _(nothing but nothing of importance was on pastel paper and definitely nothing of importance would be caught dead on pastel pink paper)_ and it was hand written instead of skillfully computer crafted. As a matter of fact, as Ed reached up to pluck the sheet from it's tack, it had the offense of being photocopied instead of printed on a high quality laser jet. Anyone worth anything knew this was definitely not the way to advertise. Even as he mocked the paper in his hand his eyes were drawn to the lettering, _(that almost looked like it has been done by crayon)_ and his mouth pulled down at the corner.

The flyer read: Arakawa Academy's One and Only Club for the Lonely and Spurned. Having dating woes? Need advise to make you the Casanova of the PE yard? Look no further! With experience and dedication, Arakawa Academy's one and only, _(Ed made a mental note about the over use of 'one and only')_ lonely hearts specialist is forming an exclusive club to bring your aching heart's journey to an end. Ms. Mei Chan (Junior) is excited to announce the formation of the Lonely Hearts Club right here at Arakawa Academy. Don't spend another day being one of the dregs of society unable to get a date. Meetings are held twice a week, Mondays and Thursdays in room 103, next to the janitorial department. Causal attire is accepted.

Then there were many crudely drawn hearts and flowers and what might have been a rabbit and a rainbow, but Ed wasn't sure. If he thought about it, today was Thursday, but wait, was he this desperate? He supposed he just might be, but still, no one has to know about it. If the maker of this flyer was an expert as she claimed then within one meeting he could probably leech off her all he needed to know. Ok, that was the plan. He could always pretend he had the wrong room if someone saw him there. He crumbled the flyer up and shoved it into his pocket, just to make sure no one else who might possibly see him there saw it and knew to come there in the first place, then he headed off to his next class.

**

Chemistry was Ed's favorite class and so that made Miss Lust his favorite teacher. She smiled at him as he walked in and took his seat. She was always so professional with her crisp white lab coat, formidable glasses, v-necked low cut blouses and absolute knowledge of the source material. It seemed funny to him that most of the other boys in the class seemed to struggle to keep up and most of the girls didn't seem to care of Miss Lust. He glanced up as Winry came in and took her customary seat behind him. Winry Rockbell was the darling of the shop class and a senior as well. He'd known her since grade school and always thought she was ok for a girl because it wasn't like she was overly girl-like or anything, what with always being covered in oil and grease. She got along good with Al, and that was also bonus points in her favor, so Ed counted her among his friends in this place and one of his few confidants. Since class didn't start for another few minutes, he swiveled in his seat to talk to her.

"I have a weird question, and really, it's for a friend of mine, but I need a girl perspective, so maybe you could help me out?" he asked her and she looked a little surprised, but then she nodded and leaned forward so they could whisper all conspirator like.

"What makes a girl want to go out with a guy?" Ed said, leaning almost close enough for their foreheads to touch. "I mean, what's a guy have to be like? Give me some pointers so I can give them to my friend," he hastened to add.

"What a weird question from you," she said, raising an eyebrow, "but ok, I guess I can give you some pointers for your friend. If I were gonna date a guy then I'd want him to be smart and good looking and not stink after gym class. I don't know, guys who can make girls laugh can usually get dates. I guess I'd want him to be into cars or something, but that's just my own standards. So who's this friend you're trying to hook up?"

"That's not important," Ed said rubbing his chin, but then the bell rang and Miss Lust walked over to shut the door, so Ed turned facing forward in his desk chair again and waited for class to begin. Today Miss Lust was talking about redox and the atoms ability to lose and gain electrons. It was fascinating stuff and Ed, always eager to learn any there was to learn made sure to ask lots of pertinent questions. Miss Lust had a habit of leaning forward over her desk when she answered and all the other guys in class always seemed to be intently interested on what she was saying, but still the managed to fail every pop quiz given on the information that followed.

"What is the ability to oxidize other substances better known as?" Miss Lust asked the class in general. There was much mumbling and shifting in seats and Ed waited five seconds _(just like Miss Lust asked him to do. She told him how very smart he was but he should really give others a chance to answer, so it became a agreement between them that Ed would always count to five before putting his hand in the air)_ before throwing his hand in the air. Miss Lust smiled and leaned over her arms on the desk and a lot of boys leaned forward, staring at her in what seemed to be slack jawed awe. Well she was a pretty awesome teacher, man did she know chemistry.

"Yes, Edward?" she said.

"Oxidizing agents," Ed said loudly, but not one person in the class made a note. Didn't they know these question and answer sessions were always the questions and answers that showed up on the pop quizzes?

"Very good, I see you read the assigned chapter like I asked, let's move on," and she sat back and many of the boys sighed and many of the girls rolled their eyes. Ed just didn't get it. He followed Winry out of the class after the bell rang and stood with her at her locker.

"You still didn't tell me who you were trying to set up," she said, swapping out books and checking her hair in the mirror on the inside of her locker door.

"Havoc," Ed responded immediately. It was common knowledge that Mr. Havoc, the driver's education teacher, was hopelessly and unabashedly on the prowl, and he wasn't above taking a students advice to achieve his goal, and that goal, of course, was now frighteningly similar to Ed's own predicament.

"Better people than you have tried and failed," Winry said, shutting her locker, "give it up. Besides, he's an adult he can find his own dates."

"I'm looking for advice, not hen pecking," Ed grumbled. "Here's another one for you; why does everyone suck at the chemistry class? I mean, she's a good teacher and the material isn't that hard. Everyone is always staring at her all the time so I know they are paying attention."

Winry turned to look at him slowly before shaking her head and turning to head down the hall.

"What?" Ed said, trotting to keep up with her.

"Sometimes I wonder about you," Winry said as he pulled up beside her, "so is the advice you're looking for really for Havoc or is it for you?"

"I told you," Ed grumbled, "what would I get out of dating advice? I mean I can get my own dates, if I wanted, that's all."

Winry stopped and turned to him slowly, he also stopped and took a step back and they stared at each other for a moment.

"I've known you forever and you know, now that I think about it, I don't ever remember talking to you, not even once, about a girl,"she said, then she got this look on her face. It was a look that was usually reserved for the most clarifying of epiphanies and Ed looked around to see if there was a beam of light somehow shooting down through the roof to illuminate something epiphany worthy there in the hallway.

"Why would I talk to you about other girls," Ed said, feeling his cheeks heat up, "I mean, you're a girl and you know, if I wanted to talk about a girl then I would like talk to Al or other guys, not some other girl."

"You forget," Winry said breathlessly, "Al tells me everything and he would have told me if you were talking about a girl." She leaned in on him a little and he hunched up his shoulders and almost bared his teeth. "I think maybe you don't like girls," she said slowly.

"Are you out of your mind, I like you ok and you're a girl," Ed said feeling an unreasonable rush of panic. "I like girls just fine, you know I like that girl who is, um, you know that girl from geography, what is her name, she's ok, at least she knows where the continents are!"

"Uh huh," Winry said, still looking at him in that odd, revelation like way. "You like her so much you don't even know her name," she said and lifted her head but lowered her eyelids, as if by doing so she obtained some sort of inner sensory powers to look deep inside him and see all his weird bits.

"This is stupid," he challenged, "I gotta get to class!" And he turned and he fled, from what he wasn't sure, he just sensed somehow he needed to get out of range of radar, whatever it was tuned to pick up.

He practically ran down the hall and turned the corner, even though it was the wrong way to go to get to his last class of the day. He'd show her, he'd show Al and he'd sure as hell show Mr. Scar. This liking or not liking girls crap really had nothing to do with it. Why in the hell had he ever let Al talk him into the stupid competition in the first place?! Why did Mr. Scar, who was _suppose_ to be a _teacher_ ever go along with it?! It was a conspiracy! An Al and Mr. Scar conspiracy to get Ed to back off and let Al make all those bad dating decisions! Like Mr. Scar should interfere in his first born, blood kin given right to tell Al what to do! He turned down the next hallway and half jogged down the the intersection that would turn him back in the right hallway to get to class. The nerve of the man, this had to be against some sort of school regulation. That was it, instead of that stupid club after class he was going to the library and he was looking up school bylaws and he was going to find proof that Mr. Scar was over stepping his boundaries of what he could and could not pry into in a students life and then? He was going to write a massive complaint and deliver it by hand to the offices of Principle Mustang and then Mr. Scar would be sorry. He would be oh, so sorry because he had just tread on the toes of the smartest person in this school, faculty included. He would be walking in the territory of Elric where no one walked, well except maybe Al, and he would find out that for people like himself it was a very, very dangerous place to tread, if you pissed off the owner. Yeah, that is what he would do.

Winry was waiting for him at the juncture of the hall and he grimaced and put his shoulders up and his head down and hung onto the straps of his backpack and barreled on past her, but she trotted up to get as his side and leaned over to try and see in his face.

"You know Ed," she said, "it's ok, it's not like it would change anything between us and society nowadays is so accepting it's practically the norm."

"I have no idea what you are talking about," he growled, "you better get to your next class!"

"You're the expert at denial," Winry said, slowing to a walk as Ed kept charging away, "if you want to talk about it, you know I would listen!" she called after him.

"No you wouldn't," Ed snapped back over his shoulder, "you never let anyone get a word in edgewise!" Then he ducked into his class, which was safe haven and it was only that he was so close to it he felt he could mouth off to her anyways.

**

So here it was, a Thursday afternoon after class and what was he doing? Well, he wasn't at the library like he'd originally anticipated, because as he sat there in his last class of the day, mulling over the conversation he'd had with Winry in the hallway he finally dawned on him what she might have been inferring. Now inferring wasn't like actually coming out and saying it. Inferring was one of those subtle save your own ass type moves by not actually committing. And so, he couldn't really have run out of his class, burst down the door of her class, climbed up on her desk and pointed at her and shrieked 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU INFERRING?!' because the moment had passed and it was a little to late for that. He should have done that while they were still in the hallway, but these things never came at him in any timely manner.

So, instead of the library to bring Mr. Scar down in flames, as was originally intended, he stood here, outside a door next to the janitorial department with one hand shoved into his pocket worrying at a crumpled pink piece of paper he'd put there earlier in the day. He made a false start to open the door a couple of times now and he figured if he stood there long enough to psych himself up over what Winry had _inferred_ the that should be all the motivation he needed. So he let himself replay the part of the conversation where Winry said the thing about society and the norm nowadays and he _thought_ he knew was she was inferring there and he gritted his teeth and took hold of the door knob and turned. The door swung inward and he followed it's motion, stepping into the room.

There were streamers, and paper hearts that looked like they'd been cut of construction paper. There were paper flowers of pink and white. There was a lone lucky bamboo plant in a pink heart shaped container on the desk in the very front of the room and there appeared to be a punch bowl and a tray of cookies on a table to the side of the room. He whipped around quickly to make sure no one had seen him enter, then he shut the door quietly as not to attract any attention. And here he was, in the club room of the Arakawa Academy for the Advanced's Lonely Hearts Club. Only, he seemed to be the only member. He again whirled quickly and checked the corners and ceiling of the room for cameras, just in case this was some jock initiated trap to provided entertainment for the football team at the parties he never got invited to; but the room seemed clean. He dug in his pocket for the crumpled piece of pink paper and took it out, laid it on a desk and smoothed it. Right room, right time, so... why was he here alone? Just then the door leading to the adjacent room swung open and a little girl with long dark braids dressed all in pink with a panda bear backpack on her back came skipping into the room, but paused long enough to close the door behind her. She stopped when she saw Ed and blinked in surprise. Ed also blinked in surprise. There were no grade school classes in the academy so what was she doing here?

"Are you here for a club meeting?" she sang out, voice high and clear and full of smiles. "I'm so excited! This is only my second meeting and you are my very first attendee! I have refreshments on the table, please help yourself! We'll give another five minutes for stragglers to make their appearance and then we'll call the meeting to order!" She then wiggled out of her backpack and sat it on the desk t at the front of the room and gave it a pat like it was alive. "Isn't this exciting Xiao Mei?" she asked it, then seem to wiggle from head to toe with glee.

Ed was so out of here. He was so long gone out of here that his presence here was just a memory of something maybe standing here. The visual of his actually being in the room still a ghost image because he was so already in the hall and heading away. And he turned to make this reality when the door leading into the hall swung open and the figure in the doorway filled it.

It was... Mr. Scar.

In his hand Mr. Scar also held a piece of pastel pink paper. He seemed as confused to see Ed as Ed did to see them and they stood there, motionless, staring at one another not unlike a mongoose and a cobra. Behind them the girl twittered happily.

"Another first time attendee!" she said with glee. "And you're the world religion teacher," she sounded like she might swoon. "We can call the meeting to order now since we have _two_ members!"

Ed had no choice but to back into the room as Mr. Scar advanced and Mr. Scar turned and shut the door, as if to indicated there was no escape. Mr. Scar moved forward as Ed continued to back away and somehow managed to fit himself into one of the student's desks. Once he was seated he took a pen and pad from and inner pocket and laid it on the desk before him, as if he were prepared to take notes and he looked at Ed with the same expressionless visage as he did in his own class.

Ed thew himself into a desk on the opposite side of the room and hunched up his shoulders. Luckily he had his backpack with him and he dug in it, also slapping a pen and pad of paper on his desk and then, in order to avoid glaring at Mr. Scar, he instead glared at the girl standing at the front of the room.

She clapped her hands together, hurried around her desk and climbed up into her chair and stood in it order to be seen. She took a deep breath and her welcome speech commenced.

"Good afternoon and welcome to the second meeting of the Arakawa Academy Lonely Hearts Club. I'm Mei Chan, your adoring founder and president and I'm here to give good and plentiful advice to make you the most charming man or boy on campus. If there were girls here it would include the most charming girl or lady on campus as well, but since you're both boys and I'm the only girl and the founder and I don't really need my own advice we'll stick with boy or man. I know everyone is very eager to get the part where I share the life altering information you seek, but since we have two new members now I think we should take a moment to introduce ourselves. Alright, we'll start with you," and she pointed with deadly accuracy to Ed who immediately slouched in his seat, "tell us your name and grade and what brought you to the Lonely Heart's Club."

Ed sliced a look over to Mr. Scar, but Mr. Scar was sitting staring straight forward and Ed looked at Mei Chan again and she made a bob of her head that he supposed was suppose to be encouragement.

"My name is Ed Elric, I'm a junior," Ed grated out, "I'm here for the same reason as him." There, that got him off the hook.

Mei Chan looked at Mr. Scar and Mr. Scar seemed to twitch a face muscle but Ed wasn't sure, but he took a breath and began to speak.

"My name is Mr. Scar. I teach the world's religion class. Edward Elric and myself are here to learn about the social custom of dating. We are here to broaden our knowledge and have a better understanding so that in the future we might provide better council to others, namely Edward's brother Alphonse."

"Only Al already dates," Ed broke in, "but he doesn't seem to have any dating sense. He always dates these girls that are... well not girls that seem to fit with him. He sort of acts as a magnet and I've heard that opposites attract but he has taken it to a whole new plateau. I would say, on the technique scale Al has got it down to about a 9 but on the judgment scale he's working in the negatives. Mr. Scar here doesn't think we have any business giving Al badly needed advice unless we know just what it is Al is doing, and that would be dating. So I'm here on a purely scientific level because as must as it grates on my every nerve, Mr. Scar has a point. So, teach us to date."

Mei Chan looked them both over as if she were somehow sizing them up and at the same time, determining their suitability for her wise council. She seemed to come to some inner decision and she threw her arms out in front of her.

"I see that you two have come here by some divine intervention," she said, "and now it's my sworn and sacred mission to lead you on the journey that every man must take. To give you clear and enlightened understanding of not only what it takes to date, but how to engage in a meaningful and altruistic relationship, even if it only lasts until summer break. I, Mei Chan, here by pledge myself to you and your honorable quest and even if it takes my very last breath I will see the two of you _date._ "

Ed wasn't sure what to do at this point, so he hesitantly started to clap and after a moment, Mr. Scar clapped with him.

Mei Chan closed her eyes and gave a small nod. She stepped up from the chair onto the desk and opened her eyes.

"From this day forward, let it be known that we, the members of the Lonely Heart's Club are untied in purpose and cause and to that end we should have a clear and concise plan of action. So, today's meeting should be about the fundamentals of dating. I have a small hand out," she hopped down off the desk and went to her panda bear back pack and unzipped the back of it's head. She took out some small booklets, obviously hand made and he brought one each to Mr. Scar and Ed and they took them and she returned to her position at the desk up front, but didn't get back up on it, but rather stood in front of it.

"Take that with you and read it," she said. "Next meeting we'll plan out your strategy and make up your list of potential dream dates. I won't expect you to complete the list all on your own and I will have come up with appropriate candidates by the time the next meeting comes around."

"Wait," Ed said, "you're going to make up a list of...what? Girls we are going to date?"

"Yes," she said, "although Mr. Scar might be a bit of a challenge, I'll have to do some research."

"How come you get to make up the list of girls _we_ are going to date, shouldn't we do that on our own?" Ed further challenged.

"If you were doing it on your own you wouldn't be here," she returned smoothly.

Oooo, touche, so Ed turned for back up.

"Are you going to let her tell you who to date," he asked Mr. Scar, "I mean you're an adult, she's a high school kid!"

"I am here admitting there are areas in my life where I'm the student," Mr. Scar said in his usual monotone way. "It would behoove you, Edward, if you took the opportunity while you still _are_ a student."

"I think this is the deep end and we'll all going off," Ed said, "that's what I think, if you really want an opinion. Fine, I'll read the literature and I'll take your list into consideration," he said, pointing at Mei Chan, "but no promises. Are we done?"

"We'll meet again Monday afternoon promptly after last bell," Mei Chan said, "please take some of the refreshments with you for your journey home. Farewell fellow club members, I look forward to our united concern and the unity of our mission!"

Then Mei Chan picked up her panda bear back pack and left through the adjoining room door from whence she'd came.

Ed looked at Mr. Scar and Mr. Scar looked at Ed. Then Mr. Scar stood up, tucked his pamphlet into his shirt pocket and left the room without another word.

Ed watched him go thinking the man had really missed his true calling; some zombie movie somewhere was just dying without him. He hefted his own backpack and fold the pamphlet over and shoved it in the back pocket of his jeans.

Someone was going to tell him who to date, huh? He'd just see about that.


End file.
